Douchebag Velma

I'm a connoisseur of many a thing. This is where I put everything... so if you're tired of my shit on social networking, this tumblog will overwhelm you.

  • Everyone tells me that I look like Velma from Scooby Doo in real life. Don't be fooled, I'm like a crappy version of her.
  • I enjoy doing/seeing creative stuff... stand up comedy, design, music, decorating, making shit...
  • I have a comedy podcast that I really love to do.

    Here are some other things I like: Reno NV (I used to live there. I'm from there. It's nice.), eating at Red Lobster, WWE (seriously), drinking the worst beer I can find, cool stuff, and stupid stuff. is my stand up comedy website, if that's something you'd want to see. is a comedy website I run.

  • Recent Tweets @alyssapants

    I am a wordsmith.

    There’s an ice themed photo shoot on America’s Next Top Model and all I can think is, “ICE TO MEET YOU.”

    I have strong preferences when picking office supplies.

    This is why I’m fun.
    This is why I’m fun.
    This is why, this is why, this is why I’m fun.

    Wow, America’s Next Best Dance Crew has really lost their venue funding. MTV, you guys are dicks. (at Chinatown Metro Station)

    It took me until age 26, and about a month of living in DC to find out that the Washington Redskins are not a really vague football team from the Pacific Northwest.

    I figured that maybe they couldn’t decide between Olympia, Seattle, Kennewick or Spokane, so they were just reppin’ all of them.

    I read this again this morning and thought, “That’s a pretty witty poop joke for someone who was really drunk.”

    Huh, ya don’t say?

    I sure do have a lot if sunglasses for someone who isn’t cool at all.

    Big Head McDogpants.

    Asker roytonkid Asks:
    Knock knock Whos there? Kenny Kenny who? Kenny we get rid of these mosquitos
    douchebagvelma douchebagvelma Said:


    Number 6.



    The Bentzen Ball Comedy Festival Presents: Church Night – October 3rd @ 7:30pm

    Hey guys! I’m super happy to say that I’ll be performing in the Bentzen Ball Comedy Festival this year!

    Here’s the Facebook Event if that’s how you like to roll.

    Here are the details:

    BYT invites you to The Bentzen Ball Comedy Festival Presents: Church Night

    Hosted By
    Reverend Dr. Stevedore Maybelline Bidet Esq. and Youth
    Minister, Kathy Piechota

    Performances from
    Alyssa Cowan
    Pria Puss
    Katie McVay

    View On WordPress

    Russia now goes onto the list, along with Texas and the Zohan, of “things I don’t mess with.”