Douchebag Velma

I'm a connoisseur of many a thing. This is where I put everything... so if you're tired of my shit on social networking, this tumblog will overwhelm you.

  • Everyone tells me that I look like Velma from Scooby Doo in real life. Don't be fooled, I'm like a crappy version of her.
  • I enjoy doing/seeing creative stuff... stand up comedy, design, music, decorating, making shit...
  • I have a comedy podcast that I really love to do.

    Here are some other things I like: Reno NV (I used to live there. I'm from there. It's nice.), eating at Red Lobster, WWE (seriously), drinking the worst beer I can find, cool stuff, and stupid stuff.


    alyssapants.com is my stand up comedy website, if that's something you'd want to see. pinwheelcomedy.com is a comedy website I run.

  • Recent Tweets @alyssapants

    My sister and I still have those same favorite colors. #tbt #friendshipismagic

    "Ellen must choose to stay in her budget or follow her dreams."

    I love you, bullshit wedding dress show narrator guy.

    The only regret I have about my new set list notebook is that you can’t see the sick hologram effect from this picture. #hannahmontana #wecantstop #holograms #beyourownstar #killinit #hashtags #partyintheusa #happy4th

    I get really excited when brides are really nice and reasonable on Say Yes to the Dress.

    I am the most boring reality TV show fan ever. I got excited while watching Canada’s Next Top Model, because people said shit like, “I don’t really like her, but I have to be nice at least.”

    Riddle me this: if “shovelnards” isn’t a word, then why do I say it out loud so much?! As in, “Hey Shovelnards! Get back to work!” #nofilter #shovelnards #wordswithfriends

    So, I’m the worst at predicting anything when it comes to WWE, but I love writing these. Have a read, and you can troll me later because they sucked. hahah

    Alberto Del Rio vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Cesaro vs. John Cena vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus - Ladder Match for WWE World Heavyweight Championship

    Winner: Randy Orton. It’s between Orton or Cena, and if Orton wins, it helps continue the “Authority” storyline.

    Wild Card: Kane. He backstabs Orton to become the top face in the company, so we don’t have to see Cena vs. Orton for the 9850439854355345th time.

    The Usos (c) vs. The Wyatt Family - Tag Team Match for WWE Tag Team Championship

    Winner/Wish List: The Wyatt Family. I just want to see this.

    Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins - Money in the Bank Ladder Match

    Winner: Dean Ambrose. I’m going out on a limb, but I think he’s the best prepared for a push. He’s definitely been able to build his character, and they have time to develop him further before he cashes in.

    Paige (c) vs. Naomi - Singles Match for WWE Divas Championship

    Winner: Paige. There’s been no buildup to this match at all. I think the only reason they’d give to the title to Naomi is if they’re planning to break up the Funkadactyls. 

    Rybaxel vs. Goldust and Stardust - Tag Team Match

    Winner: Goldust and Stardust. If they had Cody Rhodes show up as Stardust and then immediately lose, it would just be a really mean joke. Rybaxel won’t be hurt as a team by having this loss.

    Summer Rae vs. Layla - Singles Match w/ Special Guest Referee Fandango

    Winner: Summer Rae. This will probably happen due to an error by Fandango.

    Big E vs. Rusev - Singles Match

    Winner: Big E. Bleh. 

    OMG, I just now remembered that Tyrese Gibson does music, too… and I even had to verify that through Wikipedia.

    This is the best awareness campaign I’ve seen in DC. #cataidsisarealproblem #dosomething

    The best part about being broke is Folgers in your cup…because you can’t afford Dunkin’ Donuts.

    NOT speaking from personal experience. I would be the only hobo with a coffee maker and Dunkin’ Donuts coffee if I had to.

    Sorry I ended on a preposition, guys. It’s been a long hour that I’ve been awake.

    The last few weeks have been pretty intense. I packed all the things I could fit into my car, left my job, and drove across the country with my tiny dog and my tiny mom (thanks for the help, Mama!). 

    My last weekday at work was pretty bittersweet. I got an email while I was at my desk, requesting that everyone who was involved in a certain project go to the cafe. I just read it, and I’m like, “NOPE, that ain’t me!” …and I continued with my typie typie typie typie all day typie on my keyboard.

    I got up to get a soda in the room near the cafe, and saw my whole team standing around with cake, and I just wanted to see what all the hullaballoo was about. I literally happened upon a going away shindig for me. I guess whoever was in charge of making me go to the cafe wasn’t convincing enough for me to leave my typie typie typie work.

    My team was gathered around, and they gave me a very sweet gift. 

    The card made me well up in my eyeballs. I was really moved by all the kind things people wrote. And the gift card was so sweet. And what’s pretty awesome about the banner on the front, is that it can come off. I’ve already hung it on the wall near my bedroom door.

    (Banner on the right. I’ve had the hand for a while.)

    Everybody wished me luck in comedy, and then I was asked to tell a bad joke. So I told a REALLY bad joke. Then they can all think back to that time they heard one joke of mine, and it was horrible. They can secretly say to themselves, “She’s not going to make it in comedy out there.”

    Maybe they’ll keep thinking that, too. And someday, we’ll all be looking out the window, knowing that we’re looking at the same stars in the sky, and we’ll all be thinking it: 

    "She’s not going to make it in comedy out there."

    Worst. Fortune. Cookie. Ever.

    I’m so goddamn tired of these protective brothers on “Say Yes to the Dress.” You don’t own your sisters’ bodies, assholes.

    I found hand written letters from my grandma from 1997. I’m really glad I kept them