Douchebag Velma

I'm a connoisseur of many a thing. This is where I put everything... so if you're tired of my shit on social networking, this tumblog will overwhelm you.

  • Everyone tells me that I look like Velma from Scooby Doo in real life. Don't be fooled, I'm like a crappy version of her.
  • I enjoy doing/seeing creative stuff... stand up comedy, design, music, decorating, making shit...
  • I have a comedy podcast that I really love to do.

    Here are some other things I like: Reno NV (I used to live there. I'm from there. It's nice.), eating at Red Lobster, WWE (seriously), drinking the worst beer I can find, cool stuff, and stupid stuff. is my stand up comedy website, if that's something you'd want to see. is a comedy website I run.

  • Recent Tweets @alyssapants

    My classy bar dinner last night. Thanks, Adams Morgan!

    I wish I noticed sooner that one of the Beastie Boys was my server.

    Does anybody remember when that hot guy started walking again in Dark Angel?

    When I go to bro bars I feel like a pro wrestler, because when I walk into the room really, really shitty music is playing.

    Does anyone else think it seems like Julia Roberts is going to jump at the end of that Lancôme commercial?

    What a bargain!

    🎶 It’s my dog in a box! #dogsofinstagram #dogs #jackrussellterrier #bichonfrise

    Uuuuuh, I was gonna wear that, AJ. #dogsofinstagram #dogs #jackrussellterrier

    I went to do my laundry tonight. Got as far as putting two items into the washer…then proceeded to lay on my bed for the rest of the night.

    I’m filing that story under “what’s the deal with having a washer/dryer in your unit?”

    I will forgive you for being on the phone during the entire transaction if you forgive me for making a mess at your slurpee station…then not telling you about it, because you were on the phone and I didn’t want to be rude. 

    AJ likes having a real bed, too. #jackrussellterrier

    My sister and I still have those same favorite colors. #tbt #friendshipismagic

    "Ellen must choose to stay in her budget or follow her dreams."

    I love you, bullshit wedding dress show narrator guy.